Goals – Opiate Nation

(Translation into most languages at tab to the right)

A common feature of an addicted persons’ life is its lack of order. Chaos seems to swirl around them like clouds circling the earth. There is very little, if any, organization to their life and the only structure is what must be done in order to score the next hit for their chosen addiction and survive. Their lives are in disarray, they are dis-ordered. I remember this from when our son was using Oxy’s and heroin. Thinking about this brought up a related thought.

“Disordered Loves” is a phrase taken from the writings of St. Augustine who lived and wrote in the 4^thcentury A.D. I have only read a fraction of his impressive work, and I am amazed at how modern many of his insights on the human psyche and condition were. In City of God he said, “…though [something] is good, it can be loved in the right way or in the wrong way – in the right way, that is, when the proper order is kept, in the wrong way when that order is upset.” (1) He writes elsewhere, real love knows how “to love things…in the right order, so that you do not love what is not to be loved, or fail to love what is to be loved, or have a greater love for what should be loved less.” (2)

For example, we can look to the workaholic. They love their work and want to do a good job and be successful. But they love work more than loving the people in their life: family, friends, co-workers, and employees. To succeed, they may become dishonest even if they are normally an honest person. The need to feel successful and to be recognized supersedes all other things in their life – they fail to love what is most important. This is true of any addiction. When we love “what is not to be loved or have a greater love for what should be loved less” – anything from travel, purchases, drugs, alcohol, events, prestige, etc. – the important relationships and responsibilities will suffer.

Augustine agreed with Cicero that humans are mostly discontent and lack joy. Because of that, we search for happiness and fulfillment. So, we attach ourselves to objects that we hope will make us happy. We prioritize those objects by how valuable they are to us. We put them in order. His point is that what we spend our time on, what we value and prioritize, is what we love. And what we love directs our lives. And Augustine believed that when we place our ultimate love in temporal and finite objects, or even another person, we will still not be fulfilled because God is the ultimate source for joy, contentment, and fulfillment.

Even for people who do not embrace the spiritual truths Augustine taught, the principle remains: look at your life to see what you prioritize and spend your limited time doing and this will tell you what you love. If your life revolves around filling your life with things such as accomplishments, money, drugs, alcohol, food, pleasure, excitement, etc. – i.e., your loves – your life is disordered.

Re-ordering our loves, and therefore our lives, is not easy. As with any major change, the first step is recognizing that something is wrong. After that, seeking help from counselors or trusted and knowledgeable friends or programs can help us with the next steps. Sacrifice will be required and we do not embrace the loss of anything we love without pain and struggle. However, we can choose to not live with turmoil and discord. We can choose to bring peace and order to our loves and to our lives.

(Special thanks to the late Dr. Timothy Keller’s work on Augustine in Making Sense of God: An Invitation to the Skeptical. Keller’s writing and teaching has informed my life in innumerable ways.)

City of God, XV.22
On Christian Doctrine, I.27-28

(Translation into most languages available at tab on the right.)

My husband and I learned years ago that in many areas, we see and experience the world in very opposite ways. I live in the future, he enjoys the present. I am content with less, he needs more. I want to get to the destination, he enjoys the ride. Our theme song is The Beatles Hello Goodbye: ‘You say Goodbye, and I say Hello’. After living together so many years, some of our ingrained predispositions have begun to change as we have rubbed off on each other – and this is a good thing as I believe it makes us each a more balanced human.

This thought came to mind this week as I began to work on this blog post. Sometimes I am so focused on my destination or goal and being faithful to stick with it that it takes a while for me to realize I am not enjoying the ride. As I wondered why, I realized that it’s not that I don’t feel passionately about advocating for those struggling with addiction and mental health issues. Rather, it’s that I have begun to feel stretched too thin – which is not comfortable or healthy. With the holidays approaching, there are increasing family commitments and events that I want to enjoy and not just endure until they are over. The path to this goal is to be more realistic about what I can and cannot do within my finite energy and allotted time.

This contrast in ideologies applies to recovery strategies as well. When our son was trying to recover from opioid addiction 10-15 years ago, the goal was to complete a recovery program and once and for all become clean and sober – get to the destination. As unrealistic as this seems to us now, it is still a prevailing goal for many recovery programs. Sadly, what it did for our son – and for us – was to set us up for discouragement and shame with every inevitable relapse. Failure.

What I hear from current recovery advocates is that recovery is a goal and a process. If your desire and goal is to become clean and sober, you will embark on a plan of some sort. It is absolutely essential that you get to your destination because with many drugs, continued addiction often leads to death. But it’s also absolutely essential that you understand that it will be a journey with many ups and downs – and that you need to be able to enjoy the ride, the process, as much as possible so that you will have the continued desire to make it to the goal. And that those who are advocating for you, riding with you, will understand and assist you on your journey.

So, in attempting to take my own advice, I am going to discontinue weekly blog posts for a while. Instead, I will write blogs as often as I can and I look forward to your comments and ‘likes’ – every ‘like’ helps with visibility and brings new readers. After almost four years of posts on all aspects of addiction & substances, grief & loss, and mental health, if you search the site, you should find something to bring insight and encouragement for the issues that you are facing today. Let’s enjoy the ride as much as possible as we head toward our destinations.