Yesterday, my husband John, and I, along with family and friends, celebrated my father’s life of 92 years with a beautiful memorial service. He was buried with military honors for his service during WWII. In the week since his death, friends have asked me how I was feeling about his death – knowing that this death is the now the fifth death in my immediate family since 2001. First my younger brother at 40 from AIDS, then my sister at 56 from breast/brain cancer, then my son at 25 from a heroin overdose, then my other brother at 51 by suicide – and now my father.
This death, of a great-grandfather, is different than the previous four in so many ways. Not only do we expect grand-parents to pass away before their children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, but we know by the 10th decade of life, the day to meet our maker is fast approaching. For my father, he was doing quite well mentally, but his health was declining rapidly this year. By August, we knew his days were numbered – and so did he. The dying know they are dying, and for my father, it made him sad. He loved life and he loved his family. And even though he had a strong Christian faith and confidence in waking up in a new and unimaginable existence with his loved ones who went before him, he still had a very natural trepidation of the process of dying.
His last two weeks were marked by no appetite and finally no ability to even drink – his body was done with this life. With John holding his hand, he took his last breath and his spirit left the room – and left this earth. How did I feel? Sad because we will no longer enjoy his presence, and his death marks the end of an era of the large Italian family dinners and parties. But I was also relieved that he was no longer suffering in a body that was giving out.
The unexpected death of our son from a heroin overdose was different in every way imaginable. I look back now and wonder how John and I made it – how we didn’t end up institutionalized under heavy medication. I remember in the first few months feeling that my mind was on the verge of splitting in two – my heart was already broken – but it is our minds that hold us together. The love and support from our close friends and family surely were part of that glue. But the real potion that caused us to not tip over the edge was the mercy and grace of God. Without Him, we wouldn’t have had the courage to go on or the strength to look ahead with hope of an eternity with our son and with our other family members.
For those of you with friends who have lost a child to a drug overdose, please remember that a sudden, unexpected, preventable death is different from all other losses. These deaths are not natural, the lives were not completed, the parents and family can not just move on. They need your love and support – and prayers.
4 thoughts on “A Different Death”
My sympathies Jude, for your latest parting. I lost my father to suicide when I was 24. The layers of your grief are many, but your strength is rock steady. Sebastian has the pillow you kindly made for him (from one of JL’s T-shirts) on his bed, and the photo of your family on his dresser. Thank you for your courage. Best, Lynn ( mother of Sebastian)
Really a touching post.
Jude & John, thank you for your reflections on the differences between losing loved ones to addiction, Aids, suicide, all unnatural deaths and how this made Tony’s death a blessing. You will miss him terribly, but you only have beautiful memories to sustain you. Tony love/prayed for all his family, especially those whose deaths were traumatic. And now he is home with them! I envy your dad, don’t you?
Thank you for you words and thoughts. Every death is different. Each takes something away from us and each gives us something, sometimes more strength, sometimes more love from other people close to us, sometimes more faith. What death takes away is evident, what death give us is deep and hidden.
Vincenzo – Italy