I love mysteries. From the time I began reading on my own, I gravitated toward mysteries: first Nancy Drew, then Agatha Christie, Edgar Allan Poe, Arthur Conan Doyle. My husband and I continue to read and watch mysteries covering topics from historical to crime to espionage. Maybe my penchant for asking “Why?” is at the root of this affinity. The challenge of figuring out a conundrum and the satisfaction when the mystery is finally solved. Continue reading “MYSTERIOUS WAYS”
Tomorrow would have been our son, John Leif’s, 30th birthday. Sadly, he is not here and we are not celebrating. Instead, we are remembering his life and honoring our son by sharing his story with a local recovery group.
In anticipation of our time with a group of 18 and over individuals, including parents or partners, who are trying to recover from a variety of drugs including alcohol, John and I discussed what we might possibly have to say that would be helpful.
We looked back at our journal and our upcoming memoir for options. And we asked a young friend who has been clean and sober for the past five years after over a decade of intense drug addiction. We all had the same idea: discuss shame and its role in addiction and recovery. Because the sense of shame that hangs like low black clouds gathering over our lives any time we as humans engage in something we know is not good for us – or others – is the ultimate loss of self-worth. As shame erodes the very core of our being, I believe it is the hardest obstacle (aside from the physical addiction) for addicted individuals to surmount in seeking recovery. Shame paralyzes us. Continue reading “A Missed 30th Birthday”
There is something unique about the Christmas season, even if you do not buy into the Biblical story that lies at its core, even if you hold some other faith, even with no faith at all. For some reason, and not coincidentally, this time of year usually brings a sense of hope to most of us: hope in a better future for us and our loved ones, for society, for the world.
I think it is also tied in with the advent of a New Year, a new beginning, a chance to make changes that need a special impetus. “Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, ‘It will be happier’.” (Tennyson). It seems “Hope springs eternal in the human breast” (Pope) and as we stand at the starting line on the path of a new year, we are forward-focused with possibilities, even unlikely ones.
Hope is optimistic. Hope creates courage. Hope fosters healing. Hope dispels fear. Hope supplies fortitude and persistence. Blind Helen Keller said, “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.”
But what about those among us – our family, our friends, even our selves – who see no hope for the future, feel no sense of expectation but instead see only more of the drudgery they have lived with in life, the continual uphill climb with no rest along the way, no way out of an unbearable situation? A relationship, prison, an addiction, an illness, poverty, a loss. I think we all know that for these discouraged and depressed ones this week, among all weeks of the year, is the final straw. Everyone seems happy and contented, planning new goals, possible changes, new adventures – everyone except them, except “me”.
Eight months before our son’s death, he saw a friend overdose and die during the holidays. It was the impetus for him to seek help and go through withdrawals from heroin one more time with the hope that he would be free forever from his addiction. It was a realistic hope – if we had understood what he knew: he needed medication to help him achieve that long-term goal. We had hopes but they were based on mis-information and faulty assumptions. Eight months later we realized our mistake.
If you are among those who feel no hope, who are facing unbearable situations, seemingly unbeatable odds, please remember that we all – ALL – need help at times with feeling hope-full. Take the one step that can help you find the hope you need to envision a different, better future for yourself: call someone or go somewhere. A friend, a help-line, a hospital, a 12-Step meeting, a church service. Reject feelings of shame at admitting you need help by remember that we ALL need help to make it through this life. We were never meant to live life alone. We ALL need the support of a community of some sort. Advocate for yourself – you are worth it – until you find someone who will help. And don’t forget God. His children throughout the millennia have felt despair and depression. But we can remind ourselves of what King David said: “Why are you in despair, my soul? Hope in God, my help, my God.” (Psalm 43:5)
And for those of us who are feeling the anticipation of a new year with new hopes and realistic expectations, let’s be intentionally on the look out for those whose hope is lost and who need a listening ear and a helping hand. Let’s use our blessed life to help someone else.
A young friend visited our blog this week and had a very disturbing experience. She is a recovering IV drug user and someone I rely upon for honest input and opinions on drug addiction and recovery. She is one of the few opioid addicts we know who has survived to have a second chance at life.
When she saw the image of a needle in a spoon she said: “I absolutely can’t handle that kind of trigger. For the families of users and people in recovery, that image is especially traumatic. It would make my parents panic, and it made me panic also.”
I felt so unwise – and sorry. I thought back to why I had used that photo. It was one we found on our son’s phone months after he died – I was stunned when I saw it and found that he had taken it two weeks before he died. The fact that he took that photo, documenting his using, was so distressing to us – I felt he did it to urge himself to get help but just couldn’t.
I wanted the photo to convey the reality of what we, as families of addicts, face in our daily lives. But, as another young recovering addict friend said: “It’s like having a graphic image of someone on their death bed being injected with chemo – and trying to use that for an article about cancer. It adds shock value, but not too much else.”
So what are triggers? Are they the same for everyone? Our son said it was not hard for him to be around us when we were drinking alcohol – it was his decision to drink or not. But that was not what actually happened when he was around friends and alcohol – he ended up drinking – and then relapsed on drugs. We don’t know what the other triggers were for him with opioids, but when an addict sees things that they associate with drugs and their own using, it causes intense cravings, memory flashbacks, PTSD symptoms, racing heart, panic – and ultimately a step towards finding and using their drug of choice.
There are many good articles on internal and external triggers for addicts and alcoholics. I will summarize a few important points from this article, well worth reading: Understanding Triggers
by Sonia Tagliareni https://www.drugrehab.com/recovery/triggers/
Long-term drug use creates an association in the brain between daily routines and drug experiences. Individuals may suffer from uncontrollable drug or alcohol cravings when exposed to certain cues. The cravings act as a reflex to external or internal triggers, and this response can even affect individuals who have abstained from drugs or alcohol for a long time.
External triggers: are people, places, activities and objects that elicit thoughts or cravings associated with substance use…A NIDA study maintains that exposure to drug-related objects may influence a former addict’s behavior. The brain registers these stimuli and processes them in the same areas involved in drug-seeking behavior.
Internal triggers: are more challenging to manage than external triggers. They involve feelings, thoughts or emotions formerly associated with substance abuse.
Stress: stress rendered people in recovery more vulnerable to other relapse triggers.
Another good article:
I am grateful for the feedback from our young friends. Reviewing the role of triggers has been an important reminder that there are many friends and strangers who need me to be more thoughtful about what they are struggling with on a daily basis and to take the time to find out what I can do – or should not do – to support their recovery efforts.